“It’s Not Them…” How to finally get the relationship I want

Being a relationship coach in NYC is a fun and funny job. NYC is known for its “work hard, play hard” culture. An incredibly fast pace, people always “on the go”,  all of us working hard to make it happen! There’s a grind, a palpable obsessive work culture here that we all sense is pretty unique. A lot of people interpret this insatiable desire for success and achievement to mean we are a “selfish” city, and what I hear from those I coach looking for love, it’s this “selfishness” they blame for the lack of love and connection in their lives. New Yorkers don’t have time to date, they are always moving on to the next thing, are absorbed in their own lives and furthering their own agendas. Yes, living in Los Angeles for 4 years I can say it was different in a lot of ways, but it was also very similar. Sure things moved at a slower pace, and it fosters more of a relaxed “chilled out” atmosphere, but in the end it’s arguably more similar than it is different. People in Los Angeles have different complaints about their city. The music/film industry is their hallmark so it’s actually a very similar sentiment “everyone’s in the ‘industry’! Everyone’s just trying to get ahead, get a role! No one is serious about dating. They all just want to have fun”. It reminds me of a great saying I think about often “Wherever you go, you go with you.” Having lived in Boston, Upstate NY, Los Angeles, and now NYC, I now see that every city I go to and live in, there I am! I go with me. Sure the names and faces may change but I inevitably wind up with the same ‘problems’, the same challenges, the same strengths/weaknesses no matter where I am in space and time.

So, that said, what’s the common denominator and the one thing I could control no matter what city I live in? Me, of course! Finally after failed relationship after failed relationship, I was left with no choice but for me to finally say… I don’t think it’s a problem of finding the ‘right person’ or finding the perfect city and environment to live in. I was forced, thankfully, to start to look inside to fix the problem, rather than the outside.

Here are some thoughts I have for those coming to this place in themselves and standing on the edge or at a fork in the road of once and for all wanting things to change!

(1)  Get some help!

One of the hallmarks of New Yorkers is to want to do everything ourselves! We think if we just think about something long and hard enough we will, “figure it out!”. The problem is you can not give yourself something you don’t have! Especially when it comes to relationships we are subconsciously programmed to seek out what is comfortable over what is in our best interest. Hence the “bad boy/bad girl” attractions many of us know all too well. Most of us find ourselves playing out the same patterns in our relationships over and over again! How can that be? Why would we be so attracted to something we don’t want? Well the truth is there are many reasons, one of which is we are always looking to play out what we know. We are fundamentally wired against change. Our brains literally don’t want it to happen – we are programmed to act in the most efficient manner, in ways that are familiar. We don’t even realize that we are “calling” from our partners the same responses we’ve “called” out of those who came before. Change is flat out uncomfortable! Our brains are wired to use the least amount of energy possible, so even when you are trying to consciously do something different, you are likely walking into the same traps over and over again! Do yourself a favor and rather then recreating the same song and dance over and over again, spare yourself the years of pain and agony and get some help! A coach, a mentor, a relationship specialist, a therapist who specializes in creating new habits and patterns. Don’t try and go at it alone. Yes, change is going to be hard but it’s possible and worth it and can even be fun! It’s always up to you to decide how much longer you want to stay where you are.

(2)  Slow the f*** Down!

Change is even harder if you have no idea where you’re currently at. Most of us rely on our obsessive analysis of why the past failed, and how we want the future to be, to the degree that we spend our time in past and future thinking loops, especially when we want something to change. We try and figure out why, we try and figure out what circumstances need to change for us to get what we want. This part is tricky because it requires being really honest with exactly what’s going on – which often, most of us don’t want to turn and face. It is the crucial, if not the most important step and often it’s a lot easier to look out there for answers, rather than “in here” – in us! You think maybe if your circumstances change, maybe if you were thinner, smarter, went back to school, changed dating apps, changed your wardrobe, things will be different. In reality the first step in any change is accepting your part. At MYND MVMT this stuck pattern many people come in with is called “somehow thinking” – somehow, someway you’ll end up where you want to be without really having to be honest with what’s not working in you, and without doing anything differently in your thoughts and behaviors. Sadly this is simply not an effective strategy for success! Being in the present, slowing down and being with yourself, being in your body will give you all the answers you need and tell you exactly where you’re at. Try starting with guided meditation apps or videos, slowly working your way to a more routine meditation regiment. This can be the first step to the future you want most!

(3)  Make “Work” Fun & Meaningful!

If nothing changes, nothing changes! Change means changing long standing habits and patterns in you! This means consistency, discipline, doing things even when you don’t want to is going to be the key to your success! Much like diet and exercise being the key to the body we want, it’s a lot easier said than done! The most important part to any change is showing up! That said how can you make showing up something guaranteed! The two keys here are 1) connecting to your desire and 2) making it something you actually enjoy! Get in touch with why it is you want this thing you want so badly! Know that the outcome you want is guaranteed provided you simply keep showing up! Next make the process fun! Wake up with morning motivation videos or audio clips! Fall in love with new music, start a new form of exercise you’ve always wanted to try! Join a Meet Up group, or finally go out with that one friend from work you keep putting off.  When we lose sight of our “why”, why we wanted to change, grow, improve that’s when we can slip backwards and feel like it’s not possible or not worth it. Change happens over time and you’re always growing one moment at a time. For me, in my own journey, my “why” has always been to continually learn about myself and get “free from my habits and patterns that cause so much pain and suffering, so I can help others get to know themselves and get “free” too. To be seen, to see myself, to have compassion for myself and others. To have deep, meaningful relationships and connections. That’s why I ended up at MYND MVMT, a company that believes everyone has the capacity to change and have what they want. What’s your why? Do you want a partner to journey and experience life with? Do you want to find work that’s meaningful and fulfilling? Do you want a body you finally feel free in and have love for? Once you have your why, sit down and think about how you can have the most fun making it happen! It all starts with you. Becoming the perfect partner to yourself!

We are the common denominator for the life and relationships we want and our power is in the present.

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