It’s a blessing and a curse to realize we’re very much in control of our lives. Our thoughts, our actions – they all dictate whether we get what we want or we don’t. That includes our relationships with others. No, you can’t control other people, but you can control your own experience. You do have choice whether or not to continue to opt-in to a dynamic that’s playing out in your life and you can make appropriate adjustments accordingly.
I like to tell my clients that everything that’s occurring for them in their dating lives or in their relationships is always perfect feedback. Feedback is neither good nor bad, it just is. Do your relationships feel out of alignment? Are you having the dating experiences you want? Maybe you’re ignoring the feedback life is giving you.
Here’s a few tips to bring awareness to what could be going on.
(1) Practice Self Compassion
The worst thing you can possibly do is to beat yourself up when things aren’t going well. Most likely, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you’ve been given. Maybe the reason for what’s going on has just come into your awareness for the first time and you’re beginning to “wake up”. Although it can be difficult to remember at times, try to see everything in your life as important information. Think of feedback as part of a treasure map leading you towards what you want! The truth is that everything is working out in your favor! You are whole and complete as you are right now! Your job is simply to trust your gut and practice self-compassion! If you work on self love rather then self hate – or hate of any kind – you’ll feel more motivated and inspired to take the next steps where you’re capable of making any changes you may want to make. When you feel like something has gone “wrong” consider just taking the feedback as a new choice point for how you’d like to redirect or act moving forward. Remember, you can’t know what you do want until you know what you don’t!
(2) Take Ownership
This is a concept I bring into my coaching practice with clients all the time. “You can’t do much to change a situation until you own your part in creating it.” Do you keep getting ghosted? Is an ex-partner still trying to stay in your life? Are you still single many years later? Do you attract people who want to keep things “casual” or who end up wasting your time? None of these situations are good or bad per se, but what’s happening does have something to do with you. Are you non-committal with others, lack integrity in your word and actions? Are you hiding, isolating, or shutting others out and preventing them from really seeing you? Are you denying that you’re operating from a place of fear or pain? Are you holding onto the bad or something that you know is no longer serving you? Are you afraid to let the good in and experience life as joyful, pleasurable, and fun? Do you let others violate your boundaries for fear of confrontation? Do you treat yourself poorly? The bottom line is this, if you’re not getting what you want, before trying to change something out there, look to make a change in you. If you try to change the names and faces first you will inevitably make a change but the situation will remain painfully familiar.
(3) Get (re)connected To Your Truth
The hard truth is you can’t get anywhere if you don’t know where you’re going. If you haven’t a clue and it feels daunting to “know exactly what you want right now”, I get it. I understand. I’ve been there too – in a place of having No Freaking Clue. My best advice, start small. Day to day, start tuning in, listening, and seeing if there’s some inspiration that wants to reveal itself. Start by asking for clarity. Slow down! As a culture we’ve gotten so wrapped up in what other people think of us that we stopped asking what we think, or what we want for ourselves! Undoing this habit means slowing down! Cultivate mindfulness and presence into your life. Start to bring your attention to the now. We’ve sadly been mislead to believe that answers come from “figuring our problems out”. Do yourself a favor and drop it! Stop trying to come up with half assed quick fixes and take the time to cultivate a new way of being in your life. In the present stillness we hear the answers! Try a kundalini yoga class, practice using guided meditations, spend time envisioning your ideal future. Be playful and have fun! Learning about yourself little by little will help you to strengthen your sense of self and serve as a compass to your bigger, larger desires. It was when I let go of figuring it all out and began taking small intentional steps that the clarity came. Rather than living chronically in the past can you be open to something new and exciting in the present! Don’t passively let life pass you by. You truly can still have all that you want, but you first have to learn how to get out of your own way!